A Weighty Issue


For many, anxiety robs us of our appetites. For months, I had no desire to eat or drink. This sent me into an obsession and fear because I knew I needed to eat and drink, not only to live, but also to sustain Lyra because I was (and still am) breastfeeding. I felt so trapped because of the mental pressure of breastfeeding. Lyra would not take a bottle, so I knew that even if I wanted to stop breastfeeding, I couldn't. I had to force myself to eat, especially in the mornings when I had no appetite at all. Often by the evening, I could stomach food again and would eat as much as I could before I was robbed of the desire for food in the morning. 

A few months after giving birth, I weighed the same as I had done pre pregnancy. People began to make comments about how slim and skinny I was, which sent me into a massive anxiety spiral and stole even more of my appetite away. I lost more weight which terrified me - even though it was only a couple of pounds. On my worst day, I weighed myself twice because I was so worried about withering away to nothing. It was the lack of control that scared me the most. After that, I had to get Harry to come and check the scales for me because I was too afraid to look. Luckily now, my appetite seems to be back and I've been getting hungrier and hungrier! I do still have days where I don't feel as hungry, but I try not to let them worry me.

On a positive note: Thankfully,  I can now appreciate that I am at the weight I've pretty much always been. I gained three and a half stone during pregnancy so the people who commented about my weight loss had, I feel, forgotten how much of a skinny little thing I'd been before having Lyra! I have a ridiculously fast metabolism (sorry!) and yes, I snapped back. But when people ask me how I managed to lose weight so quickly, I tell them the truth. A super fast metabolism and a nasty dose of PND!

Harry's dad and stepmum were very encouraging when they heard about my weight loss and hatred of even drinking water. They sent us a Brita Filter and I absolutely love it! Would not be without it now and I'm definitely drinking more water these days.

Oh, and I adore breastfeeding now.

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