R&R

"Just give yourself a break and be kind to yourself." 

If I had a penny for every time I've heard that, I'd be...well, not rich, but I'd have a pretty impressive coin jar by now! 

The trouble is, it is pretty tricky to rest and do activities for myself when I can't remember what old Beth used to like! PND drags you away from your old self and makes you feel as though this is it - this is you now. You can't remember who you used to be or what you used to enjoy, you know only the "not quite you" that you are now.

For months, I have been unable to relax - especially in the house. I think lockdown has contributed to this massively; I know many of us have felt caged and trapped (the clue is in the word "lock", I suppose!) 

I usually feel worse in the mornings and almost myself again by the evening. This is common for PND. Going to bed feeling alright and then waking up bad again and having to really work to fend it off. It's tiring, but I know it will get easier.

At my lowest point, I remember Googling: What's the point of life? Not because I wanted to stop living it, but because I just could not see a future and genuinely didn't know why we were all here and what we were doing. I still have that sense of futility, but it is starting to ease.

I used to have different zones in the house where I felt different emotions. I could  relax in the bedroom but not downstairs really until dark - I think I had fewer expectations perhaps of myself in the evenings. In the daytime, I felt I had to be constantly active and doing. My body wouldn't allow me to rest or switch off.

I kept getting told to take baby steps and not beat myself up and be kind to myself. But no one told me how to actually do that. I eventually figured it out; my Health Visitor advised that I focus less on being completely better, but try and be OK with being less ill each day. 

A friend messaged me this: "Someone told me once that it's not about praying for the light at the end of the tunnel, it's about the glimmers of light along the way, and I liked that." I like that too and now, each day, I try to find the glimmers of light.

On a positive note:

It's getting a little easier and I can spend an entire day at home without feeling the need to drive somewhere and do something. For some reason, I find weekends the most difficult. Perhaps because they are less structured for me, or maybe it's because everything is pretty much closed so there is nowhere to go. But I'll get there. We all will.

I have also learnt to Crochet and have been taking time for myself each day to sit and craft. Admittedly, I am self taught and caused much hilarity for my mum and Sharon (and Sharon's sister and cousin) when I realised I had been doing it wrong. Apparently, you are meant to crochet across and not up and down. Who knew?!

Pictured: the 'scarf' I made for Lyra that could only really be worn as a headband. My first ever Crochet attempt!