It's behind you!
Ironically, I had been quite angry when a midwife had put "previous anxiety" in my maternity notes because although I'd had a panic attack and anxiety a decade ago, I had been fully recovered for ten years and wasn't at all anxious. Ten years ago, I had a period of anxiety for about ten months that began with physical symptoms and ended once the mental ones had finished lingering. I believe it was caused by a reaction to the birth control pill. Hormones have a lot to answer for because I believe they triggered the PND too. I won't elaborate further here, but will write in more detail in a post dedicated to the pesky little blighters!
It started with lots of physical symptoms. For the benefit of other women going through it, this is the actual list I wrote on my phone and presented to the Doctor at 9 weeks postpartum:
Think the Pelvic Girdle Pain (PGP) limiting me and my movements isn't helping because I can't deal with it as I usually would through hiking etc.
Physical:
-Tingly hands and face/neck/chin when I feed her on left side - trapped/pinched nerve?
-weight loss
-boiling hot at times
-weak
-difficult to sleep (this is fairly new - I feel wired all the time)
-fast heartbeat (this is fairly new)
-light headed/dizzy
-fingers swell and tingle (particularly on left side)
-hot hands and feet at night
-fatigue/low energy and motivation
-hot/sensitive to heat especially at night
-low appetite - no interest in food (thought of eating makes me feel sick) and what I do eat goes straight through
-occasional headaches
Mental/emotional:
-constantly worried about Lyra and her safety - worried she will die/stop breathing
-fear of death and us dying (catastrophe thinking) and of being separated from Lyra
-don't feel "present" in the room
- can't sit still or settle
-lack of focus/head feels fuzzy
-feelings of hopelessness and worry about the future
-repetitive thoughts
-sense of dread
-difficult to switch off
-jittery/uneasy feeling
-sometimes my chest feels weak and like I can't catch my breath or that my voice has gone quiet
-throat fullness
The GP did something that quite surprised me. He asked me what I thought it was. I told him I thought it could be anxiety caused by postnatal thyroiditis and, bless his heart, he agreed to do a blood test to rule it out. In fact, he ordered a full blood work which of course came back clear. He offered to refer me to Healthy Minds, a local organisation that offered CBT, but I told him I thought I could work through it using positive thinking. How naive, I hear you cry! Perhaps not as naive as you might think, but more on that later.
For now, then, I was very much on my own and treating myself. Big mistake. As yet, the phrase Postnatal Depression had not been mentioned. I'd even told the doctor I wasn't depressed and it was only anxiety. Knowing what I do now, that list is classic PND. It differs for everyone, of course, but if you have those symptoms please go and get some support from your GP. I was sceptical about what a GP could actually do for me (as you will see in my next few posts of self-treatment!) so allow me to save you some time. Go to your GP; get the support.
I've used this picture because it shows quite nicely that, although I had an amazing bond with Lyra, the colour had started to seep out of my life.
On a positive note:
It's great that the GP took me seriously, listened to me, and followed up with phone calls.
I had an instant connection with my beautiful little girl. Although in the days and weeks to come, it might feel as though I was loving her through a veil, or underwater, I always have loved her from the start. Some women who go through this don't have that bond right away. And that's OK. It's normal. But I am so thankful that I had it.
I'm thankful that Herefordshire has good mental health services.
I'm thankful that I had the episode of anxiety a decade ago, so I could recognise what was happening to me.
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