In the beginning...

In the beginning, a happy-go-lucky girl named Beth met an amazing boy named Harry and they fell in love. After having lots of adventures, including living in a caravan on Beth's uncle's farm for three years, they decided to grow up (a bit) and bought a house. They wanted to build the nest before putting the eggs in it.

Last year, they decided to start "not not trying" for a baby...

...the next month, we were pregnant! The next few weeks were a blur for us. We experienced an unspeakably sad loss within our family. I won't write about it here because it's very personal, raw, and sad for all involved but it isn't my story to tell. A month after that, we received the devastating news that our little baby's heart had stopped beating at 8 weeks and I was having a missed miscarriage. We decided to let my body miscarry naturally. I went into work teaching classrooms full of kids knowing that at any moment, I could have that miscarriage. A week passed. And then another started to creep by before we were advised to try medical management. After three lots of drugs, it was advised that I tried the surgical option. I refused general anaesthetic and compromised on a local. It was all set up for the next day. I won't go into too much detail, but in the end I had to be rushed into hospital that night and have the surgical procedure as an emergency without any anaesthesia. It was sudden and rushed, but then it was over. The month after that, my Grandad - a man who made my childhood, and my life, so beautiful and magical -passed away. The month after that, we were pregnant again.

It was a lot to process.

Three months later, Covid hit and we were plunged into lockdown. Pregnant and self-isolating, I still managed to stay positive although I did slightly begrudge the fact that strangers wouldn't come up to me and put their hands on my tummy. I'm not sure if I would have liked that at all, but I was miffed that I wouldn't get the chance to find out! My midwife was amazing throughout the pandemic and even though I didn't get to see her as often as I would have in 'normal' times, she kept me sane and kept me reassured.

In August, three days after her due date, Lyra arrived safely in a beautiful home water birth. We loved her instantly and completely and soon settled into life as a family of three. Happily ever after. Or so I thought.

On a positive note...

I'm not healed. Yet. Happily ever after is just around the corner.

We now have a vaccine for this bloody virus - incredible news and an incredible achievement. I'm so thankful for this.

More awareness has been raised lately by maternity services about the importance of support being given to new mothers - more on that later.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

R&R

Image
"Just give yourself a break and be kind to yourself."  If I had a penny for every time I've heard that, I'd be...well, not rich, but I'd have a pretty impressive coin jar by now!  The trouble is, it is pretty tricky to rest and do activities for myself when I can't remember what old Beth used to like! PND drags you away from your old self and makes you feel as though this is it - this is you now. You can't remember who you used to be or what you used to enjoy, you know only the "not quite you" that you are now. For months, I have been unable to relax - especially in the house. I think lockdown has contributed to this massively; I know many of us have felt caged and trapped (the clue is in the word "lock", I suppose!)  I usually feel worse in the mornings and almost myself again by the evening. This is common for PND. Going to bed feeling alright and then waking up bad again and having to really work to fend it off. It's ...
Read more

Let's Talk

Image
It's been a long while since I last posted. I blame the dreaded sleep regression - more on that in another post though! For now, I'm going to be looking back and picking up where I left off which was in October/November time. My GP, on my request, referred me to the Perinatal Mental Health Team who then bounced me back and told me to self refer to Healthy Minds (previously Let's Talk). I only had to wait a week and in the meantime, had to complete a questionnaire to assess my mood. I was shocked to receive a letter from the NHS a few days later with the results: Severe anxiety and severe depression.  I should be clear; at no point have I received a diagnosis of PND. I know I have it, but no GP has actually said those words to me. The support for and understanding of this illness, in Herefordshire at least, is severely lacking and this was evident through the CBT I received which was not tailored to my illness. It involved a weekly phone call with a therapist and, to be hone...
Read more

Finding Freedom

Image
I am so so so so so thankful to Sian and the organisers and volunteers of the Freedom Bumps and Babies group. It has kept me going. They are so kind and brave to have run a mum and baby support group throughout this pandemic and throughout lockdowns. They gave us a small scrap of normality in a turbulent time. Going to that group once a week has very often been the highlight of my week. Just being in a room with other women and having a chat is uplifting and comforting. It also led me gently back to my faith. When I was young, I didn't ever feel that I belonged in church. I wasn't as pretty or talented or motivated as the other youths - that's how I felt. I didn't ever feel like I fit in. Now I do. (Sidenote: when I was younger, I wasn't the glamorous and confident Beth you now know. I was sort of gangly, and goofy, and clumsy. Just kidding. I'm still all of those things; now I just own it!)   I lost my faith a bit over the years and now I'm disc...
Read more