HorMoans

After several weeks of breaking down, I finally rang my mum on a video call. I made sure the camera was pointed at Lyra for almost the entire conversation, and kept everything light and normal until it was nearly time to hang up. And then I told her that I wasn't OK. That I'd been silently crying for almost the entire conversation. 

Tears followed. They wouldn't be the last. She told me how much it hurt that she couldn't help more - because of the pandemic - and then I think we both had the same idea at the same time.

Bubble up.

Until this point, Mum and Dad had held Lyra just once, a few weeks after she was born. They had both worn masks and only had a quick cuddle. It was heartbreaking. But we were all terrified that someone would pass the virus to her whilst she was so young and fragile. She is now four months old and Harry's parents have never held her due to travel restrictions and shielding requirements. 

But enough was enough. We decided to form a childcare bubble (new parents are now allowed to form support bubbles with one other household - and rightly so - so if anyone asks, that's what we now have!)

The next day, my mum came over and we hugged for the first time in seven months. It was so needed and I will never forget that moment. I don't think she will either.

Once our tears had dried, Mum came in and finally had a proper cuddle with Lyra. Cue more tears. I then told her my story and all of my symptoms. She listened to them and then told me if I was having this much trouble now, imagine what I'd be like when menopause hits. That's when I realised what the cause of all of my symptoms boiled down to: hormones.

Before I'd had the miscarriage, I'd had a blood test to check that everything was progressing as normal. My hormone levels were so high, I got told it was a twin pregnancy. I then got told it was just one baby before we had the miscarriage. But the fact remains that my hormone levels seem to elevate massively when pregnant and after birth they obviously plummeted and caused almost menopausal-type symptoms. One of which was anxiety. 

Essentially, I feel that my body was just fighting to return to normal levels, but breastfeeding was suppressing that. 

I know that there are other elements at play - chemical imbalances and using a different side of my brain - and I'll address those in other posts. But I know that hormones triggered this. It used to be that progesterone treatments were used for postnatal depression and I strongly feel that this would have helped me. In fact, if I had a spare eighty quid, I'd buy a hormone blood testing kit and find out what's going on. 

On a positive note:

Hormones are amazing! They control so much and they allow us to create and carry children. They regulate our bodies and help to bring about the miracle of life. It might seem as though we are slaves to our hormones and that they have a lot to answer for, but I'm so very grateful for my hormones.

A book that really helped me to understand the role hormones have to play, 'Women's Moods: What Every Woman Must Know about Hormomes, the Brain, and Emotional Health.' It is written by two psychiatrists, one of whom had PND. I'll write a separate post about it soon, but at this point I hadn't discovered the book. It contains some key elements of my healing.

Picture chosen because it shows the first of many walks that we have been on with my parents after we bubbled up. I love that they squabbled over who would push the pram first. Even now, they have to take turns when cuddling Lyra or pushing the pushchair!

They have been so, so amazing and I am forever grateful to them for their love and support. I haven't always enjoyed every walk I've been on - PND can suck the enjoyment out of things - but I've still gone on them because I knew the enjoyment would come back and being around family and Nature is so important when healing.