Maybe she's born with it...

...maybe it's Sertraline.

Taking that first tablet was so so difficult. The guilt I felt was monumental; it shattered the illusion I'd had of trying to be the perfect mother. Or at least a good mother. It was nowhere near the ideal of motherhood that I'd signed up to. I also spiralled for many days through researching the effects that it might have on Lyra if I continued to breastfeed. That research and guilt continued for many weeks. Now though, when people comment on what a happy baby Lyra always is, I joke that it's the antidepressants!

Luckily I had some amazing friends by my side when I started my medication. Nat was especially helpful, sending me links to a woman who specialises in researching the effect of drugs in breastmilk. I found a wonderful video which was specifically about the medicine I'd been prescribed and it detailed how very little (none, actually) would pass through. I feel sorry for Nat, in a way - she has only ever known a version of me that I can't wait to be rid of. She must see enough of the old Beth to know I'm maybe worth being friends with after the PND has passed.

Another friend was amazing - I won't say her name to protect her identity. She is on the same medication and she helped me so much, going above and beyond to reassure me that it wasn't such a big deal and told me what to expect.

Four days in to taking the tablets though, I took a turn for the worse. It got to 9pm and I had to ring 111 with the following symptoms caused by the drug:

Excessively dry mouth and lips - extreme thirst

Boiling hot and freezing cold flashes

Pins and needles 

Trembling

Insomnia

Severe agitation and anxiety 

No appetite 

Can't think straight 

Fast heartbeat

Massive lump appeared under my top lip almost like an allergic reaction or a fat lip

As you can see, I was pretty frantic. The person on the other end of the phone calmed me down and told me to ring my GP in the morning to discuss the medication. My friend Sharon was so worried about me, she put her phone on loud and told me to call her at any time - I am so grateful to her for that. She has no idea how much I needed her then. That night was one of the worst. I didn't sleep at all; I was too wired and I was full of terror. That's the cruel thing about antidepressants. For the first couple of weeks, they can actually cause even more anxiety and this was certainly happening to me.

The next morning, I messaged Liz who immediately rang me. She told me to stick with them but perhaps snap the tablets in half to reduce the dose. I rang the GP who agreed with this and I stayed on 25mg for seven weeks, too afraid to up the dose and risk the horrendous side effects again. The following day, Harry had to ring in to work and stay with me. I was more than useless on that day and could barely even lift Lyra. We went to my mum's house and all I could do was lie on the sofa and then upstairs on her bed desperately trying to switch off, but still too wired and full of adrenaline to do so.

I started to have really vivid dreams too, odd and nightmarish at first. I've been speaking to friends and family though and I think a lot of us have been having strange dreams about the past. My dreams are calming now, I think as the Covid situation eases people are starting to look forward again rather than existing in a state of fear.

After seven weeks of being on a low dose - not even a therapeutic dose - of Sertraline, I plucked up the courage to switch to 50mg. I'm now seven weeks in and don't really feel much difference. I am having better days every now and again - I even had a run of seven days with fairly low anxiety, but then it returned. I want to try and stay on this dose for another few weeks before I attempt to increase it because perhaps I just need to give it a bit more time. I can't wait to feel like myself again and I'm sure Sertraline will help with that - at least, I hope it will. The waiting is so frustrating though. 

I read a comment that a qualified therapist wrote about PND. She said that usually, to treat anxiety, she would attempt to get to the root cause of it. With PND, there is no root cause. It's chemical, so treat it with chemicals. I can relate to that so much - this feels so chemical now. I don't really have any thoughts attached to the anxiety any more. Just feel its grip around my heart and sense of doom and futility.

I'm at the stage now where it's more annoying than frightening. So I'm counting that as a win.

On a positive note:

I am so lucky to have access to a wide range of medication that is safe and effective. I know it hasn't worked yet, but the fact that I had such a strong reaction to it at the start shows that hopefully it will work over the next few weeks or with a slight tweak of the dose.

Although my recovery is taking a long, long time, feeling myself again will be all the sweeter when it does happen.